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How to Make Yourself A(live)

Written while listening to: [link]

Provided by :iconglossolalias:

Lovely, sad song. I decided to write its antithesis. :heart:

:iconglory-be-project:

Submitting to #Writers-Workshop for the free verse workshop. The only tool I missed was dialogue. :( I'll bet =AzizrianDaoXrak beats me: [link]
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm. Interesting to say the least.

a nice way to use pretty words at any rate.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
There's no need to be back-handed about it. If you don't like the poem, just say so. :)
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Its not that I don't like the poem to be honest. And being really honest, it is rare to actually find a poem which cannot be liked.

For this poem, I just felt it could have been better if it expanded on its theme a little more. From my reading, I get that the first two stanzas are advisory in tone rather than actually enforcing in tone, to be a change, or be something which brings about a change. And the last stanza has an element of love which is being used to say "be open, be yourself, don't hold back. Bottling up doesn't help". That's what I understand anyway.

But frankly... it just feels pretty, but without significance, you know? Suppose if there was a story in it, or a character was introduced into the equation and we actually live through that character's experience. Or if not even that, suppose that some sort of phenomenon was used to give credence to the story, like an ant colony, or a bird teaching its little babies how to fly, or even a Panda struggling to survive on its already depressing diet of bamboo sticks (and trust me, its depressing to see). Anything which was added to expand on these three stanzas.

Because as is, its okay. But it could be better. I hope this perspective and opinion helped.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
It helps much more than your original comment. :nod: You should leave insightful feedback more often. You are good at it.

As for this poem, it is just pretty. I may work with the theme in more depth on a different piece. I'll keep your feedback in mind. Thanks!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
To be honest, I just wanted to be sure that the constructive feedback won't wind up being taken the wrong way. I say this  because I've given constructive feedback on occasions (especially when they were part of the critique department in PoeticalCondition ) and the bastards took it to heart and went "oh, your stupid and your constructive feedback is not needed" (kind of kills the purpose of wanting constructive feedback, but oh well - takes all kinds to make the world :P ).

And that it is. :lol: Then again, I'm sure you are as pretty as this poem ;)
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I understand that sort of reservation. I ran into a similar reaction while participating in the Critmas event that BeccaJS does every year. 

I'll be perfectly honest, since you seem to enjoy feedback as well, and tell you that your original comment mixed with the fact you added the poem to a collection that includes "empty minds" in the title, was more than a little bit offensive. If you're unsure whether someone wants feedback, the best way to go about making sure is simply to ask. This poem is 3 years old. I've improved and moved on from it already. Had you asked if I wanted critical feedback, I'd likely have directed you to a more recent piece. :)
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I actually had myself in mind when I wrote that to be honest. Its mostly "pretty words, but read with an empty mind" (which is a lethargic way of saying, I didn't get too deep into the poem itself and that is being inconsiderate of me - oh well, its pretty so into the collection it goes :bucktooth: )

I do not deny being rude and offensive. But with that said, I usually keep it to a level where it will either escalate (insert "Destroy the Orcs" the song here) or it will diffuse to something which is pleasant... or even an opportunity to carelessly whisper ("Careless Whisper" blasts from the background!) while being constructive about it.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
...okay then. I guess I don't see the point of being so elaborate about your level of offensiveness. xD Just say what you want to say. 
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(1 Reply)
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013
:blackrose: Your lovely poetry has been featured here: fav.me/d6ogtjc
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! <3
Reply
:iconstarlightcomet:
StarlightComet Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Truly brilliant <3
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. <3
Reply
:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2013   General Artist
I have featured this piece here :love:
Consider giving the article a :+fav: so more people can see it. :heart:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Done! Thanks! :D
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:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner May 25, 2013   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2013   General Artist
Wow! Very powerful and touching!
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner May 25, 2013   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, this is just stunning, well done!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
THis is quite awesome! :la:

'swaddle your faith
in iron so you know at least one absolute.' had to be my favorite part.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like that line, too. :heart: Thank you!
Reply
:iconpauper-circumstance:
Pauper-Circumstance Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013
I really enjoyed reading the last stanza (the one before "love"). It wrapped up your poem beautifully. :clap:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :)
Reply
:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
Touching, gentle and evocative words. :coffeecup:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad you wrote against the song he gave you. This is lovely and it's always great to see something uplifting come into my inbox!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
So..so..so much emotion. That finale has a pulse!
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student Writer
There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said by those who've already commented, but, this is truly beautiful.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconsadisticicecream:
SadisticIceCream Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013   Writer
There's an undercurrent of struggle and yearning here, which I can definitely relate to. :heart:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is breath-taking. So soft and wise. It has the rhythm and feel of gentle guidance. I especially love the way you ended it so simply.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure!
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Professional Writer
swaddle your faith
in iron so you know at least one absolute.


Yes.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconkayru-kitsune:
Kayru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I usually don't like modern poetry but this just.... it speaks to me and I can't even describe quite why. It is true poetry. I love it.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconxrixt:
xRixt Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
Its beautiful
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :heart:
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
One of my favorites of yours.
One thing I love is how a metaphor
not only sounds/looks lovely but also
snaps into place, in terms of sense.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Beautiful!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A pleasure! (:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is gorgeous. I absolutely adore its gentle rhythm.

You think I can beat you? :iconchallengeacceptedplz:
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