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When it's over, so they say
it'll rain a sunny day.


My crit for :iconthewrittenrevolution:: [link]

:iconcritique-it:

Questions:

I am looking for general impressions, mostly, but a few questions as well:

1) Is there any language that is too obscure to be easily understood? Any metaphors that seem cliche?
2) Does the ending feel like a resolution? Is the imagery understood? (I've had a difficult time finding the right wording for what I want to portray here, so I'm very insecure about that last section).
3) Is there any place where the flow felt "off"?

Thanks! :)

2-24-12: Edited once more. Removed some unnecessary details and articles and rearranged a couple sentences. Small edits, but I think they enhance the piece on the whole. :)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
To be completely honest I struggled a little with the imagery in the first and second lines but I took my time and it gets easier on the second read which isn't a bad thing.

I really like your enhanced use of imagery and how everything flows together as one piece, nothing is fragmented or unrelated.

This poem seems wistful and the ending somehow feels more like a "life goes on" sort of vibe if that makes sense. Of course I could be reading it wrong I'm getting this feeling mainly from this line: Time reveals // what could have been. but it would make sense to me if that were the case.
But then I like happy endings (even though I rarely write them myself) so I am probably projecting that onto your more bitter sweet resolution.

I hope that helps!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I appreciate your insights! :) Sorry it took so long to respond. I used this comment as I reworked this piece into a poem, instead of a prose-poem. If you'd like to read the poem version, it is here: in the preamble
Reply
:iconmineralaccident:
MineralAccident Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Student Writer
"No ghost of sensation" is an experience I know well. Much of my life was searching for feeling, and conversely, running from the one person who overwhelmed me with it. Funny the mistakes we make. One side of a coin trying to see the other.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
And never realizing they were already fused in the middle. 
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I love this. :heart:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A pleasure, Lili. :heart:
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:iconcraazhy:
Craazhy Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
This made me rub my beard for a while— a positive sign.

I'm not on your level, so I won't attempt to critique it.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beard rubbing! :) Awesome. Thank you.
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012   Writer
Oh. You are amazing. V broke my heart. It just collapsed into itself and sunk to the bottom of my stomach. This is gorgeous and I still cannot believe that you watch me! Fantastic work.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I haven't had much time for reading on dA lately, but I know damn well why I watched you. There's a rawness and potency in your work that's rare to find in poetry. And as you grow, you're refining it to a very sharp edged instrument. :D I can't believe YOU watch me! :heart:
Reply
:iconmagic-fan:
Magic-fan Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2012   Writer
This story is powerful and emotions, and I enjoy how you divided it into section. It makes it more obvious that you didn't linger on details that aren't important for the story itself and shows that you got straight to the point. A short story, but one that holds just as much power as an entire novel can.

The ending fits; I like how things seem to have come full-circle. Well done! :heart:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconmagic-fan:
Magic-fan Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012   Writer
You're very welcome! :heart:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do see what you mean. Thanks for pointing it out. I've edited this one so much that I think I've over-edited. :lol:
Reply
:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer
No problem C:

I over-edit as well, no worries. I'm such a perfectionist XD
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so sad, yet cute at the same time. I feel as if it read a bit too fast, but that might just be me.

1) Nope :D But then, I know a LOT of words. I really like your description in part vi. It was very vivid.
2) Hmmmm. It could be taken either way. Some people would say it is, and some would say it's not. If you feel the ending is right, then leave it. I didn't get the part where you say 'Marigolds and buttercups bloom in her hollows.'
3) Nope :D Like I said, it was a bit fast, but that could be what you're going for, so I didn't mind it :D

Good Job!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Someone else mentioned that rushed feeling, too. I think I might have gone and over-edited with this one. :P Thank you for pointing it out. :heart:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are welcoem :D
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Hidden by Owner
Hidden by Owner
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You've actually opened my eyes to just how much earth imagery there is in here that I hadn't even noticed. The seasons were intentional and actually formed the root of the piece when it was first written, but I hadn't considered how each section brought out a different part of the metaphor. :P Awesome! Thank you for your insight. I can build on that in other pieces. :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012   Writer
You're welcome.
"...insight"? I thought it was "outsight."
Written layers tend to make literature clear to me. Maybe I should have been an X-ray technician. ;P
:heart:
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:iconangeljunkie:
angeljunkie Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012   Photographer
I honestly intended to give you a thorough critique of this, but I really wouldn't change anything. You've captured that moment/feeling/experience very elegantly here.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That is high praise from one of my favorite writers. :heart: Thanks!
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:iconangeljunkie:
angeljunkie Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012   Photographer
Aw... :blush: Well, the feeling is mutual. :)
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I've taken out the extra description of the prisoner. Does it work better that way, or is the metaphor still off for you?
Reply
:iconscreamingtc:
ScreamingTc Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
Yes, it works better I have to say. Just remember that sometimes less is more. We've all go the habit of wanting to over board with descriptions, when sometimes all you need is a few simple words to paint a description. But in drafts it's always better to go with more and then prune it back to less.

A few other things I'd like to pick up on:

"lets the syllables paste themselves against the walls, creep across the ceiling, slink over the carpet and sink"

I would swap out the "and" between carpet and sink with "to" or something else. Currently my head keeps on wanting it to be a kitchen sink, and not the act of sinking.

But I do love "- a paper boat awaiting the rampage of an Atlantic November.", which is a wonderful image. I'd be very proud to have come up with it myself. :)
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I understand about keeping it slim :nod:. I think I got worked up in this cuz it is prosetry, which is very experimental for me. I appreciate your continued help very much! :heart:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's an interesting POV. I'll have to think about it. Thanks for your feedback! :)
Reply
:iconcharmed-ravenclaw:
Charmed-Ravenclaw Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconcritique-it:

It's a good story about getting over love and wondering what could have been, I quite liked it. I think the ending does sound like a resolution. I understood most of the imagery except for Part I.

You know, the first image I got when I read Part I was something like "The Scream" by Edvard Munch. This is a very strongly visual and symbolic part. The second part was also quite visual but flows into the emotion quite well. Then you seem to flow more into the real world and things start to make a lot more sense. To be honest, I didn't really get Part I at all and it doesn't connect up well with the rest of the story - it's a lot more symbolic than the rest of the story. I understand Part I is about pain but I merely visualise physical pain rather than emotional pain.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Physical pain is exactly what I was going for, actually. People call it heartbreak for a reason. For the first few months after my ex and I broke up, I had trouble breathing, numbness in my extremities, and headaches that were unbearable. The doctor told me it was because of anxiety, but the anxiety was because of heartbreak. :\
Reply
:iconcharmed-ravenclaw:
Charmed-Ravenclaw Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah I see. I guess its because its something that I've never gone through therefore didn't understand. Sorry to have belittled that section
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You didn't belittle it. I will need to consider it from the POV of someone without that experience if I want to reach the widest audience. :)
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:iconcharmed-ravenclaw:
Charmed-Ravenclaw Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah fair enough
Reply
:iconcjwilde:
CJWilde Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student Writer
I wanted to critique this piece rather than merely comment, but it drew me in so fantastically and was so enjoyable to read, I honestly couldn't think of much to say that wouldn't be along the lines of, "I wish I'd have thought of that." The imagery, the way you've presented the story, the raw hopelessness of the main character and the sheer relief I felt at the end - no, scratch that, happiness - when she finally feels free and can lose herself in the little things in life; your imagery there was astounding and I felt as though I was feeling it with her.

If I had to give you some critique, I would advise you to leave out the unlucky enough to be and merely use, like a June bug in the path of a car. The extra syllables felt awkward and I tripped over them a little. After the softness of the piece so far and your beautiful use of words, the sudden switch to 'jargon' interrupted my thoughts. To put it simply, the flow felt 'off'. ;)

My favourite phrase was most definitely, his tongue discovering continents on her body, rousing oceans in her blood. It made me shudder. Keep up the good work. :)
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You know, I've been mulling over that exact section for weeks and could not figure out what felt off about it. :lmao: Thank you for your very astute observation! And for your kind praise. :heart: I appreciate both very, very much!
Reply
:iconcjwilde:
CJWilde Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student Writer
You are most welcome! I hope that I gave you some direction as to make it feel more natural! I always worry my critiques will be disapproved but it makes my day when I can help someone. :aww:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I've already changed it. :D
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:iconcjwilde:
CJWilde Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student Writer
Nobody has ever revised their work by one of my comments before! I am touched. :hug:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Awww. :hug:
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:iconcjwilde:
CJWilde Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Student Writer
Oops! I forgot to mention:

:iconcritique-it:
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:iconheart-terrors:
heart-terrors Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Whoa, okay. I LOVED this. Every metaphor, every bit of imagery is so specific and seems to fit perfectly. I love how you aligned the seasons with recovering from heartbreak. I mean, perhaps that's how I took it. Autumn, when things seem to only get worse with him gone, winter, when things seem empty and cold and healing doesn't feel quite right yet, and spring, when it's time to move on.

My personal favorites were iv and v, very powerful. I didn't find any cliche metaphors. If they were, they were done so well it doesn't matter. The ending is a definite resolution. Your wording is very specific, so I had no trouble following you. :D

I honestly can't find anything to constructively criticize (haha).

~Elizabeth

( sorry this is so long! DDD: )
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