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free speech by riparii

Words by dweckie

Poetry by toxic--sunrise


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Submitted on
March 5, 2011
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2.4 KB
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When it's over, so they say
it'll rain a sunny day.


My crit for :iconthewrittenrevolution:: [link]

:iconcritique-it:

Questions:

I am looking for general impressions, mostly, but a few questions as well:

1) Is there any language that is too obscure to be easily understood? Any metaphors that seem cliche?
2) Does the ending feel like a resolution? Is the imagery understood? (I've had a difficult time finding the right wording for what I want to portray here, so I'm very insecure about that last section).
3) Is there any place where the flow felt "off"?

Thanks! :)

2-24-12: Edited once more. Removed some unnecessary details and articles and rearranged a couple sentences. Small edits, but I think they enhance the piece on the whole. :)
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:iconmineralaccident:
MineralAccident Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Student Writer
"No ghost of sensation" is an experience I know well. Much of my life was searching for feeling, and conversely, running from the one person who overwhelmed me with it. Funny the mistakes we make. One side of a coin trying to see the other.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
And never realizing they were already fused in the middle. 
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I love this. :heart:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A pleasure, Lili. :heart:
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:iconcraazhy:
Craazhy Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
This made me rub my beard for a while— a positive sign.

I'm not on your level, so I won't attempt to critique it.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beard rubbing! :) Awesome. Thank you.
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012   Writer
Oh. You are amazing. V broke my heart. It just collapsed into itself and sunk to the bottom of my stomach. This is gorgeous and I still cannot believe that you watch me! Fantastic work.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I haven't had much time for reading on dA lately, but I know damn well why I watched you. There's a rawness and potency in your work that's rare to find in poetry. And as you grow, you're refining it to a very sharp edged instrument. :D I can't believe YOU watch me! :heart:
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:iconmagic-fan:
Magic-fan Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2012   Writer
This story is powerful and emotions, and I enjoy how you divided it into section. It makes it more obvious that you didn't linger on details that aren't important for the story itself and shows that you got straight to the point. A short story, but one that holds just as much power as an entire novel can.

The ending fits; I like how things seem to have come full-circle. Well done! :heart:
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