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A rewrite of an angsty piece written in 2007. I don't recall if I ever posted the original, but as a spot of pride in my own editing accomplishments, here is the original draft, in all its awesome horribleness!

The words are mad as rabid dogs
That cannot distinguish butterfly
From serpent and so kill it all:
Wrench wings from body
And tongue from stomach
With equal rigor.

Metaphors construct themselves
From brittle bones, rotting meat
Dance under half a moon,
Pretending they are glorious and alive
As reality never allowed:
A cacophony of joints and teeth, clinking.

Mist dampens the air
And fingers my hair. I am alone,
The solitary witness
To how hearts celebrate
When they break.


In the re-write I tried to refocus the ending to better incorporate the element of physically writing. I also focused on phonic devices and internal slight rhyme. Any critique or analysis is very appreciated. I'm especially uncertain about the middle stanza. It still feels clunky to me.
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:iconclair:
Clair Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
Ugh- this hits the depths of my heart with a thud. The words from this piece resound like echoes. I'm motionless wondering what just happened. I have no critique to offer- I just wanted to share how it sits within me.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for leaving your thoughts. :heart: I appreciate it very much!
Reply
:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Professional Writer
your beautiful art is in the empty north [link]
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much for your thorough and rather accurate analysis! :D Your English was not a problem at all and I'm impressed at your tackling something so outside your native tongue. :hug: Thanks again!
Reply
:iconfayerin:
Fayerin Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
aww :aww: you are very helcome ».«
i relly liked the way you expressed in the poem using such amazing exemples :love: I was really petrified when i read some parts :heart:
keep going :hug:

* and thank you for your kind words regarding my language :aww:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is sooooooo gorgeous!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, this is fantastic! I'm really impressed with the last stanza in particular. :clap:
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :D I think I like it too.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Professional Writer
"repurposed carcass:

build reticence from the clinking

of exoskeleton against distended fang;"


Wow. Shiver. Gross. Shiver again. But well crafted.

Yeah, there really is nothing like a love that died and is now seen as something so much more horrible than it was...
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oooh thanks for such a great compliment! Nothing like knowing you brought an image across clearly. :heart:
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Professional Writer
You are featured here: [link]
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Resurrecting or re-vitalizing older pieces have great value. :)
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Especially when you're not writing newer ones. :B
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Eh... it'll come. :)
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Found at the dead letter office, those final two lines are just a bit special.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Oh, that was just great. I liked the original, but the reworking is quite fantastic! I'm afraid I'm a poetry illiterate, so I can't give you much detailed advice. :(
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's okay, I'm glad you liked it! Was there any area that you had trouble understanding? I'm worried my language might be too "out there" lol.
Reply
:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
:la: Nope, I think your language was just fine!
Reply
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Submitted on
November 30, 2012
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