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Submitted on
November 30, 2012
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Sta.sh Writer
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(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)

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A rewrite of an angsty piece written in 2007. I don't recall if I ever posted the original, but as a spot of pride in my own editing accomplishments, here is the original draft, in all its awesome horribleness!

The words are mad as rabid dogs
That cannot distinguish butterfly
From serpent and so kill it all:
Wrench wings from body
And tongue from stomach
With equal rigor.

Metaphors construct themselves
From brittle bones, rotting meat
Dance under half a moon,
Pretending they are glorious and alive
As reality never allowed:
A cacophony of joints and teeth, clinking.

Mist dampens the air
And fingers my hair. I am alone,
The solitary witness
To how hearts celebrate
When they break.


In the re-write I tried to refocus the ending to better incorporate the element of physically writing. I also focused on phonic devices and internal slight rhyme. Any critique or analysis is very appreciated. I'm especially uncertain about the middle stanza. It still feels clunky to me.
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:iconclair:
Ugh- this hits the depths of my heart with a thud. The words from this piece resound like echoes. I'm motionless wondering what just happened. I have no critique to offer- I just wanted to share how it sits within me.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for leaving your thoughts. :heart: I appreciate it very much!
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:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Mar 2, 2013  Professional Writer
your beautiful art is in the empty north [link]
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:iconfayerin:
Fayerin Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:hello: :aww:
I'm a participant of #FeedbackFrenzy contest 02

I will try to express the better i can with your poem. I know that the essence of a poem is the soul of the artist and therefore something quite noble regardless of the subject to be treated. I never wtote in english (poems or prose) but the complecity in each language is always present. I can not give you a good review in terms of grammar but I can offer you my testimony and all that affected me and how I felt ... I think as a writer that is also important so here goes. :la:

You start with a huge deep emotional afirmation " The words are mad as rabid dogs" that is something so strong and true! We have a heart that unfortunately hurts through the simple act of "word" for when they are used to achieve a very precise purpose they are recognized by our heart that blows up I found very original how You used the fauna terms to describe something so profound. :love:
In this part :

"deftly, deliberately deconstruct
the masquerade true beauty surpasses. "

--- you used two mode setting adverbs ( deftly, deliberately) I think that's how they are characterized ... I felt that they are together to increase the load significant in that moment is as follows there with the function to call the reader even further and if it's that congrats :love: because i could felt the emotion there.
And next you said:

"at once privileged and horrified,"

--- with two past tenses thaa llows there to be synchronization between what is happening and what has happened before as a action.
and finally you finish the poem saying that the pen is the instrument that allows transcribe when the heart sometimes is unable (like express ourselves in verbal ways and physical presence when it's needed). So the "pen" can be a very effective support in our worst and best moments i think :) the art is exactly that. Can be a visual image as a drawing and that have immense spiritual forms and can also be written as in your case :)

I Just loved it :heart:
I hope that could reach you with my thoughts and that has not made ​​a mistake
:hug:

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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much for your thorough and rather accurate analysis! :D Your English was not a problem at all and I'm impressed at your tackling something so outside your native tongue. :hug: Thanks again!
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:iconfayerin:
Fayerin Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
aww :aww: you are very helcome .
i relly liked the way you expressed in the poem using such amazing exemples :love: I was really petrified when i read some parts :heart:
keep going :hug:

* and thank you for your kind words regarding my language :aww:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is sooooooo gorgeous!
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, this is fantastic! I'm really impressed with the last stanza in particular. :clap:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :D I think I like it too.
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